I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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