Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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