no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize