OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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