I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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