i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
