I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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