What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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