lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
