my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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