WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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