so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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