I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Randomize
