Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
