My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
