I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
