Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
