You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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