I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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