Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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