I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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