on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
