I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
