He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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