she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
