Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
