New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
