You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
