I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
