haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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