I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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