I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just invented taco cereal.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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