you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
