my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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