She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
