Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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