I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
