3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm just crazy horny about you
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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