Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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