I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
