Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
from now on my penis is your penis
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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