Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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