Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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