My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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