I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
