I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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