I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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