Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize