We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
