Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
