Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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