He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
