Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
