I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
