So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Quick, to the slutcave!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
A bitchslap is in order.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
