I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sober January is a disaster.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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