my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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